


The Missing Dice

by LadyOfTheLake666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Mentioned Han Solo, Missing Scene, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, One Shot, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23978824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfTheLake666/pseuds/LadyOfTheLake666
Summary: After Luke Skywalker’s death, Kylo Ren looks about the deserted Resistance base on Crait, clutching the golden dice, Leia’s last gift for a son who was never coming home. But they disappear from his gloved fingers, as though they were never there.He has something to say to Rey, but he can’t.A one-shot based on Kylo Ren’s final scene in The Last Jedi.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18
Collections: REYLO WEEK 2020





	The Missing Dice

Kylo Ren stepped into the deserted Resistance base on Crait. Signs of their hurried abandonment were all there- the half-dusted armour, the blinking lights on the old machines, pawprints of the crystal critters that led all the way to the dark network of tunnels underneath the mines. Hux and his military were scouring the trenches on the premises, on his orders. He had to order them to do something, while he, Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, got a few moments alone.  
  
_Supreme Leader.  
  
_It felt strange to claim that title for himself. That surely belonged to the voices in his head, to the hunched-back creased-up form that sat atop the throne room and barked orders all day, to that darkness that had befriended him long before he had set foot in the sacred Jedi temple and one he’d sworn to follow even to the ends of the universe if need be. That voice that let him taste slivers of the dark, for every penance, every kill, yet reminded him that he still wasn’t enough.  
  
At least not yet.  
  
But not even one hour ago, Kylo Ren had slain his master, sliced him neatly with a lightsaber that wasn’t his own, that glinted an eerie crystalline blue. He hadn’t planned it. He hadn’t been ready to face the red Praetorian guards with the scavenger girl and then chase the few straggling rebels to this forsaken planet.

But he had acted on pure instinct and anger and had made a complete and utter fool of himself.

_Never again._

He’d asked that girl who he’d been ordered to destroy ( _not anymore_ ), who had bested him in a duel across a snow-white forest ( _not anymore_ ), who’d held his fingers across a weak campfire from a thousand light-years away ( _was it just yesterday)_ , he’d- he gritted his teeth- he’d asked her, that orphan girl from nowhere( _she has a name, no don’t think, no no_ ) to rule the galaxy with him.

With tears in her eyes, she had refused.

_How dare she-_

But she’d led him, as he believed, to Skywalker. After all these years, he could finally look down upon the man he hated, the man who had once tried to kill him, the man he had sworn to-

He was on his knees, he suddenly realized, pressing against the cold dusty floor, sweat beading at his forehead. White blazing sunlight poured in from the wide windows. He looked around at the tangle of wires that littered the ground, the schematics of half-formed plans that blinked on the rusty screens of those ancient computers that hummed ever so faintly, the thin coppery lights that reflected weakly across the tin-grey walls. He could hear Stormtroopers mumbling in the passageway, their war tanks waiting outside like sentinels.

He wasn’t ready to face them. How could he ever face them, after that debacle?

He’d been too blind, too overpowered by passion and rage. That sight of Luke Skywalker had driven everything away from his mind. All he’d wanted in that moment was to run across that icy field and skewer the man till the ground swirled darkly with his blood. He wanted to run his lightsaber through him, again and again, until he could see him no longer, until he could feel nothing, until the voices that had risen to a crescendo when he saw that man emerge from the base, plummeted into stillness.

The other leaders were too afraid to question his powers, but Hux had prudently warned him. Annoyed, he’d force-choked him and then pushed him aside as he went down alone to face Skywalker.

And he had been played like a fool.

He clenched his fists. Of course, there was no way Skywalker could have left his island abode and reached this junk of a planet in a fraction of minutes. In his failure, he had exiled himself, that coward and a hermit.

And yet Kylo Ren had fallen for it, like a small child. When he saw his old master after all these years, for one dangerous moment, had he hoped, had he really believed….

_No, no, don’t think-_

There was no forgiveness for Kylo Ren. There would never be.

_Have you come to save my soul?_

Was that what he had wanted? Didn’t he know, hadn’t Snoke drilled it inside his skull, hadn’t the sight of his father’s dead body falling into the abyss, his son’s ( _not you not you is dead dead DEAD_ ) name frozen on his half-open lips, hadn’t all those raids across countless star systems taught him anything?

_Your soul cannot be saved, Kylo Ren. It will burn eternally in the dark flame you’ve fledged yourself to.  
  
_ _Strike me down in anger and I’ll always be with you._

“YOU’RE DEAD!”

He hadn’t realized he’d shouted it. A few Stormtroopers slowly peered into the room and frightened by his piercing gaze, quickly turned back, leaving the door slightly ajar. But as he said it, he finally believed it. Luke Skywalker was dead. He had felt it in the Force- a constriction, then a loosening, a dead end, but he hadn’t noticed it until now.

Luke Skywalker was really dead.

But why did that not bring any relief? Why did he still feel like he was sinking, that he had lost? True, the Resistance had scampered off, slipping barely through their fingers yet again, but Skywalker was dead. The last jedi in the galaxy was dead and wasn’t that a victory for the First Order? He had accomplished what his grandfather Darth Vader could not- he had killed both Snoke and Luke and now he was well and truly free.

Wasn’t he?

The girl lived.

_Let her._

_I swore I’d destroy her._

_The last jedi._  
  
_For as long as the Jedi live, hope lives on in the galaxy._

_I thought you’d be the one to snuff it out._

_Shut up, you’re dead._

_Am I?_

Suddenly, he was claustrophobic. He could barely breathe. He gulped fistfuls of stale air and coughed up a few trickles of blood. He wasn’t well.  
But that could wait. What Kylo Ren needed was-

And he saw it. Glittering on the floor, like two tiny stars. Just as he remembered it as a little boy, riding on the Falcon with his father and that manic glee and the turn in the stomach that came from jumping into hyperspace (while his mother disapproved with her raised eyebrows), dangling on the windscreen, the chained golden dice.

His father had said the dice brought him good luck. That whosoever touched it, carried a little bit of luck with them, like a scattering of charmed dust. As a child, barely able to climb, his fingers would try to reach them and then Han Solo would lift him up, carelessly laughing…

_Stop, stop, STOP_

Leia or the girl or Chewie must have forgotten to take it back, as they left in a hurry. Left, fearing for their lives, their hearts heaving.  
But why would they even take it off the Falcon? Why would they-

Unless and he doesn’t know how he knows this, Leia had left it.

For him.

His mother, alive on some distant planet, leading the fizzling spark of the Resistance, even as she grieved for Luke, Han, Ben.

_Not me._

_Not me._

_Must not-_

The girl was with her. He hoped they were far away from him, as far as far could be. He couldn’t bear the thought-

_Why did you hate your father so much?_

_I didn’t hate him._

_I swear I didn’t._

_I never_

_I-_

He reached for the dice. They fit snugly in his black gloves. Held out to the sun, they still glittered. His trembling fingers closed upon them. _Tears, no why, there was-_

And he felt her through the Force. She was probably on a transport, the way her eyes were looking out for everyone, trying to make sure they were safe. And then she turned to look at him.

Her face was shocked and calm. She opened her mouth by a fraction, as if to say something, then closed it.  
  
_I-_  
  
_Why didn’t you take my hand?_  
  
_I killed Luke Skywalker._  
  
_I will burn what’s left of the Resistance._  
  
_Join me._  
  
_Please-_  
  
_Or else, I’ll destroy you._  
  
He didn’t know what to say. He really didn’t.

And she was looking at him, her expression almost quizzical, as though she were expecting him to say something, to explain himself.  
  
With a jolt he realized, she was giving him a chance. One last chance to prove himself, to explain himself.  
  
_When we touched hands, I saw our future._  
  
That had felt so nice, thin and dream-like. Her fingers gossamer-soft, tears on her face as she told him about the mysterious underwater cave, the endless mirrors, her loneliness pouring into his own, like rain-water and so close, he could almost breathe the scent of her and that incredulous part of him, trying to believe, fumbling to imagine a future where he sat atop a throne and she was beside him, her arms wrapped around-  
  
_And look how that turned out, Ren._  
  
Yet, after everything, even after killing Luke Skywalker, here she was, offering one final chance.  
  
And here he was, kneeling in front of her, all set to squander it.  
  
_I’m-_  
  
_Rey, I-_  
  
_Just say it._  
  
_I don’t mean it._  
  
_I can’t mean it._  
  
_Rey, I-_  
  
_I hate myself._  
  
_I don’t want to destroy you. I’d never._  
  
He could feel her emotions through the Force bond. The shock, the calm resignation and that ever-so-soft quivering tendril of hope, that perhaps, somehow, there was still some good in Ben.  
  
Funny how Snoke had lied about the Force Bond. Funny, how he had lied about so many other things.  
  
He didn’t have to say it out loud. He just needed to get his emotions across to her. He just had to feel it. Just this once.  
  
He looked up at her, fighting back his tears.  
  
_Rey, I’m sor-_  
  
He stopped.  
  
He just couldn’t do it.  
  
He sensed her disappointment, her sadness, her frustration. Her grief for Luke Skywalker was a tidal wave that she had still somehow kept at bay and now it was falling upon her, crushing her, and in that mourning, there was some of it for Ben too, for the boy he could have been and it was smothering her. She stood there, breathless, devastated.  
It was all too much for him.  
  
And in the next moment, her lips were curled, a steely glint to her eyes and she shut the door on his face, as though she never wanted to see him again. She was gone and the wind from the impact brushed against the old scar on his face.  
  
She was done with him, for good.  
  
Where she had once stood, was now a blank shadowy space. A lone crystal critter peeked at from the tunnel, wagged its tail and scurried away, a fading iridescent flicker against the dark.  
  
Shame burned in him.  
  
He looked down at his hand, at the dice, golden against the black leather of his gloves. Leia’s last gift for a son who was dead. And perhaps, sensing that, the dice disappeared, almost as though he had imagined it.  
  
Luke was gone, completely. At one with the Force.  
  
He was alone in the room, kneeling on the floor, unwilling tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. It wasn’t real. It had never been real. At his touch, the dice had vanished, as if tainted by his darkness. Everything he touched, he lost.  
  
Yet his mother still hoped. For an instant, he could almost imagine the whirr of the Falcon’s engines, playing with a toy-blaster with Chewie sitting on a box of contraband his father was supposed to smuggle-  
  
His men were surely outside, awaiting orders from their new Supreme Leader, probably wondering which planet to burn next.  
  
Snoke wasn’t here anymore. It was his turn to choose.  
  
_A planet to burn._  
  
Ben Solo was dead and Kylo Ren needed him.  
  
He needed to be Kylo Ren.  
  
He let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He wasn’t ready for this. He would never be ready. Hell, he never wanted to be ready.  
But the Force didn’t care. He felt traces of it in the room, in his still-beating heart, tendrils of power swirling all across the empty planet. He pulled those silvery threads towards him, binding him to his rage, to that trembling cage of darkness that he carried with him, like a shadow.  
  
He wished he’d been wearing his mask. Anything to hide the eyes of that broken, lonely boy who cowered in front of that glowing darkness, begging to go home, that boy who for one whole glorious minute thought that the dice was real.  
  
He had to hide that boy from himself.  
  
But just for a moment, he didn’t, he couldn’t. He let his tears fall, let his fingers close in on where the dice had been and opened them again.  
  
_Rey, I’m sorry._  
  
The room was silent.  
  
Hell, at least he had tried.  
  
But his gloved hands were empty.  
  


*  
THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! 
> 
> This is my second time uploading a fic, so I still feel a bit nervous. I have plans for a couple of multi-chapter fics, including a reylo Orpheus x Eurydice retelling (which I'm still drafting) and I'm testing out the waters first with a few one-shots. So I'd really appreciate all the honest reviews/comments/feedback and if you want to read more of my stuff!
> 
> I've been shut in my home for almost two months now, with the Covid-crisis getting worse in my country, so it's pretty lonely and if there's someone out there, reading this, I'd really be grateful for your response, any response!
> 
> I’m also on tumblr as ladyofthelake666, so feel free to message me there if you’d like to fangirl over reylo or anything geeky!


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